Welcome to my Journal..

This is where you will find the latest on my training, writings, fitness tips, diets, competitions,
and in general, what may be going on with me.

Check back to this section of the website as often as you like to catch the latest on my schedule and appearances.

STAY TUNED!!!

Carla

Thursday, October 02, 2008

It is with such a heavy heart that I write tonight. I am sitting in my bed thinking about this beautiful fall day and the sadness I felt today at saying goodbye to Steve Stone. It is so strange to think that I won't see him at the "next show"...who would have thought God would take him so fast and without warning. You know I cried more and was full of more emotion on Friday at the Olympia then when my Mom finally passed.
I guess I had many months to deal with the slow passing of my Mom....when she was sick in January I was very overcome with grief and wasn't ready to let her go but as the months passed and she became weaker and more frail I guess I made peace with the fact that I had to say good bye...Steve just vanished. He was there one minute and gone the next...and admidst the tragedy the show "literally" had to go one...and it did...like nothing had happened...that is waht life does when someone dies...it just goes on. It's the strangest feeling really...it's almost like the person didn't matter but we know differently.
The emotion that swelled up in me took me by surprise. There was no holding back tears...they were going to come no matter what I tried to do...today too...driving down, in the church, it didn't matter the tears came...I wondered were they all for Steve or were they left over tears for Mom!!??
I couldn't wait to go home and see Dad..we had dinner, he made lasagna and was waiting for me...he is all I have left in this world really...and I think he is scared too. He is waking up at night looking for my mom or hearing noises...if I am there or my cousin (when she is there) this doesn't happen...maybe I need to move in?
There is ALWAYS something to learn as life unfolds...it doesn't matter how old we are or how much we think we know...the older I get the more I realize how little i know.
I'm tired...I know that...my body feels tired and my mind just shuts down. I am going to Tampa next week for almost a week. I am going to my friend Anna's wedding...she is a cancer survivor. I am going to have a chance to see old friends. I hope also to just take care of me...re -aline myself with God and my being and get grounded. There is a part of me that is excited about the new doors opening up to me and there is a part of me that misses, so much, my past and my mom and the false certainty that I thought I knew.
My heart goes out to Andrea....Steve's wife..I cannot imagine the hole in her heart right now. I pray that God brings her comfort and lgiht.
Enjoy every minute of every day...tell those you love that you love them..don't wait to say what you feel and mean...be kind and patient to yourself and others....Love life..it is a gift
Peace

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