Welcome to my Journal..

This is where you will find the latest on my training, writings, fitness tips, diets, competitions,
and in general, what may be going on with me.

Check back to this section of the website as often as you like to catch the latest on my schedule and appearances.

STAY TUNED!!!

Carla

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Here we are in mom and dad's living room watching the Today show and looking out the big picture windows at the grey day. It's supposed to flurry and rain over the next 2 days.....we are just plugging along trying to have a somewhat "normal" routine....if there is such a thing.

Mom has't felt great and I even started feeling a little "punk" (as she calls it). I've had to cancel my trip to the Arnold...NIcki is going to "be me" and hold down the fort. Stacy has been soo understanding and I feel terrible to let him down as well as the projects I have started for him. I have to accept that Protan work will be there when "this job" is done!!! Half of me doesn't even want to think of the Arnold and the other half wants to be keep in the loop...BE PRESENT...that's what I keep telling myself.

I have been in the gym a bit training a couple clients a day. Trying to make sure I don't owe anybody sessions and trying to just keep my face in the gym a little so people don't forget I am there. The good news is that when I am there I am continuing to be approached to be hired so at least there will be people waiting to work with me when I get back...that is a comfort. I look forward to getting back to work and "making things happen"...but....I have time for that (Thank God).

I continue to have Angels looking over me, comforting me, helping me financially...it is overwhelming and so touching...I am soooo blessed to have the people I have in my life....I have ALOT of time to reflect on this and I can't think of any way to repay the kindness that have been shown and given to me....it is hard to accept sometimes as I am not used to taking anything from anyone...I have to just learn to say THANK YOU and feel that that is enough??

So today is Tuesday....there is only afternoon coverage if the weather permits so I am hanging intoday...guess I will do the BODY PUMP video!!!!!

Stay in the light all!!
Ciao
C

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's a blizzard today! Actually...it waskind of pretty looking out the big picture windows of my mom's family room at the clean white snow falling in teh early morning light...

This has been a more stable week. Mom has seemed to stabilize somewhat...she is on a pretty good routine and things are just on cruise mode...it was actually the first time I thought I could handle a couple of clients in the gym or even work the Arnold! But I don't think the later is going to materialize as I don't have backup.

The bright spot of my week was seeing Nicki walk in the house unexpectedly on Tuesday...I actually felt almost normal for 3 days...she hung out here most of the time and we got a couple meals in...sushi at our favorite place! Her family treat to sushi and a wonderful dinner at FOOD 101! Blessings all around for me!!!
I hated to see her go...she provided me such as sense of comfort. It's a feeling I almost forgot about.....you know what else? The 3 full days Nicki was here wer bright suny and beautiful and today....it's a blizzard!!!! That is just crazy!!!

There have been highs and lows this week...enjoying the diversion of Nicki's company was a high that I couldn't get enough of and then experiencing a lot of anxiety over performing everyday "normal" tasks...losing patience and feeling depressed were all mixed in there too. I guess this is all normal but it's wearing me down.....

I know this is only temporary and I know that I have to stay present and that I am blessed to have all the wonderful& generous people around me....I know I will be a stronger person and maybe a more patient person after all this.....I understand that this is His plan and that I must give in to it and embrace it....WOW, this shit is just deep

Gotta go look at teh snow fall

Friday, February 15, 2008

It was a sunny day today...almost making you think
spring may be coming soon.
I got up 2 times thoruhgout hte night to administer meds to see if Mom would wake up feeling better today and I guess it worked. She had a much better day today...keeping the meds more regular has seemed to help.
I went to the gym to train one client and didn't feel as out of sorts today...maybe I am seeing somelight at the end of my tunnel..for now!
Today my mother was talking about what she was planning to do this summer? It is bizarre...she isn't remembering certain thigns we talk about and certainly is putting her own twist on things which I guess is to be expected form being on the morphine? At least that is what they tell me??
The hospice people keep telling me what a good job I am doing and giving me alot of credit...my mother just wants me to go "live my life"...she can't understand that it isn't that easy?
My cousin, Maryann, came to visit today. She was inthe area for work and arragned to stop by...she dealt with this with her mom...it wasn't easy for her, either...very difficult time in 2001...seems lkike yesterday and yet like an eternity away...it was nice to see her..her older bother came on MOnday...they always come when it is necessary...parties or sicknesses...they always do the right thing...better than me sometimes, I think...it was nice to see them both..

Again....everyday is a different day.
Today felt like I could possibly set up my whole week next week with clients...tomorrow could be different? Who knows...only time will tell. The fact that I have done this at least 3 times in the past month (set up clients only to cancel them all due to mom's illness) is exhausting to me...thinking you are going to do one thing and then it changes in an instant....unsettling to say the least!

I am feeling right now like I need to get some air...maybe I will go to my house for a little bit......

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I am so tired today....not sure, maybe it is the snowy, icy, rainy grey day???...maybe I am just beat down from weeks of stress and my mom's illness...the lack of security with being able to pay my bills since I haven't been working....
People don't realize how negativity impacts the energy in the home....that is what makes it hard...
I guess I have to accept this and just know that I am so blessed to have my mother's time right now even if it is just emptying a bed pan and whispering secrets and administering meds.
I need to continue to pray for strength and GRACE!!!!!
I wished the pains in my stomach would go away when I eat....I feel so tired.
Steve, the gym owner, is so good to me..he is checking in and offering to bring me whatever I need. I think he is going to send a piece of cardio equipment over at some point. My massage therapist is willing to come to the house for me as well as my hairdreser...see how blessed I am!!!!
My life is really so good...it's just a surreal situation right now...it is REALLY life....things get put into perspective, don't they!
This has slowed me down and forced me to stay wiht my parents, take care of theirhome, clean out the freezer, take down the cobwebs that my dad doens't seem to see.....things, I guess I should have been doing right along???
Who has time for cobwebs, right???
I guess I need to make the time once life gets back to normal (whatever that is!)
Let's pray for sun!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Well, it's been almost a week since I have taken my mom home from the hospital iwth hospice. Her bed is in our family room, she is using the bed pan and barely eating. She seems genuinly happy to be home and is much more comfortable now that she is getting morphine about every 3 hours. She is alert and I thank God that she is continuing to communicate to us and telling us what to do. The thought of not being able to ask my mom a question or tell her how my day has been is just incomprehensable to me. I can't imagine life without my mom to share it with.
I have so many wonderful people aroudn me and I should be feeling so blessed but it is just so strange really.
Family, to me, are people who I have adopted to fill space that is positive in my life....it is wonderful that I have been able to find this. Maybe it is because I am an only child and I have had no choice but truely I think I have been blessed because the people I have CHOOSEN are the type of family I would want around me always.
The days go by and I don't eat, or train or do anything that I am familiar with. I wash bed pans and administer medications and entertain people that normally are never around...it's a strange life but I guess it is what there is.
I have a totally new appreciation for my father...he is all I will have left for "immediate family", if you want to label things like that. He has been a rock...always the one who has been the "sick" one and now the "rock". He has been by my side through and through...he is my comfort, my friend.. I just pray that he still feels needed and has a purpose after all this is done. He is sooo much stronger than most have given him credit for.
Training has gone by the way side...I don't really even eat. I am sorry if this is't appropriate for this site...but talking about training isn't going to happen right now.
I have started a list of adjectives describing my mom and have asked people to add to it if they want...it's very interesting as it is very contradictory...she is polar oppisties and still her....how can that be, right??? I guesss that is what makes my mom her...
BE present...be blessed with your family (whether it is your parent, siblings or choosen family)...this moment is all we have, it changes in a flash and will NEVERbe the same...life is wonderous and precious.....can never be replaced.
Peace
C

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Happy Ground Hog Day!
It feels like an early spring day here in the northeast...damp but kinda warmer...a bit cloudy however? The ground hog supposedly says 6 more weeks of winter!!!! UGH!!!!

WEll...since I last blogged my mother was sent home fromt he hospital (because I couldn't let her go back to rehab) with services. She was home from 1/25 to 1/30...she started gainingher strength but had a relapse a few days later and we brought her back into the hospital with her penumonia still present and a little fluid around her lung as well (not bad enough to aspirate at this point)...she is so tired of being sick..poor thing! Her sister had gotten here the day we brought her home from the hospital and she really was a great help while mom was at home. It is very clear that the next time we bring her home I will have to move in for a bit to be there all the time or at least in between work?

I cancelled a business trip this weekend to be with her...she told me today she was so glad. Eventhough she tells me to GO!!!! go to work! Go to bed!!! go to the gym!! ...many times she really wants me to stay and usually I do anyway...she has always been one that you have to read bwetween the lines to tell what she REALLY wants cause she doens't ususally tell you...she walways wants to be strong...but she told me she is really a baby and is scared. I don't want my mom to be scared and that is why I stay most of the time....it's kind of an innate feeling for me when she is....If I amnot with her I FEEL it in my belly and when I go to her...sure enough...she doens't feel well and/or is scared....I guess the only thing I have control over s to BE THERE for her to help her NOT be scared...she finds comfort when I am there...it is clear.
The day to day or even hour to hour differences are very hard on me...I never know what I will find or how I will end up feeling...it is kind of surreal....

it's still the worse thought to think I will never be able to just pick up the phone and talk to my mother about the little stupid things that happen everyday....it just doesn't make sense that life will be like that but....I know it is inevitable...if not now...some time in the near future.....growing up NEVER stops, I guess...life CHANGES by the minute. I have never understood better than now how important it is to STAY PRESENT...in the RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
I guess life lessons are just that....hopefully we pay attention to them.....

I was in a car accident last night on my way to see mom. It was rainng hard and very grey...I was proceeding thorugh a green light and got to the intersection when I saw a car turnign in front of me (corssing in front) I couldn't stop fast enough and slid into her....I hope I don't have injury from this but the thought of sitting in the ER I just COUDLN'T handle. My lower back/hip area is a bit wierd feeling but again...I just can't be in that hospital anymore than I need to right now. The car will get fixed, the deductible will get paid (somehow) and life will go on...like it seems to. I thought I was handling things pretty well but maybe not???

The good thing with not going away on business besides being able to be a comfort to my mom is that I was able to be here to make SEthy's birthday cake!!! It's his 7th birthday today and I always make his and Evan's cakes and they love it!!! This year I wasn't going to be able to do it but since I was here, I did it last night and he just loved the football cake I make him! They are a joy to me and I am so grateful to have them in my life.
I will sign out now....thanks to all of you who are praying for me and my mom!!!! It really helps and means alot to me!
GO PATS!!!!!!